Boy Meets Hamster Read online

  So I guess it makes sense that when people start yelling, it freaks Jude out a bit.

  I was just debating whether abandoning my prime-location view of the Dramavan was really the kind of martyrdom that should be expected as part of my big-brotherly duties, when park security rolled up in a golf buggy to break up the fight.

  Kayla almost forgot to keep her reaction Jude-appropriate.

  ‘What the f-udgecake is that?’ she yelped.

  All three of us pressed our faces to the smeary glass of the caravan window to see. There were three security guards in beige safari uniforms that read ‘Safeguarding Your Dreams’ on the back, a blonde woman in a power suit, who was standing by the buggy trying to stop any of the gathering crowd of kids from taking it for a joyride, and . . .

  I blinked at Kayla. ‘I think that’s a macho hamster.’

  It was the same hamster we’d seen dancing with the Elvises when we’d shown up at the park. Huge, bright orange, with a perma-grin and two massive buck teeth.

  ‘Nibbles! Dylan, it’s Nibbles! Can we go and meet him? Can we?’ Jude’s elbows needled me in the ribs. The hamster had just tackled Jayden-Lee into a decorative flowerbed, but now that the whole scene had taken on the surreal quality of something from CBeebies, Jude was totally into it.

  ‘Nibbles?’ Kayla asked. ‘So I’m not hallucinating right now?’

  ‘He’s the park mascot. He runs the kids’ club,’ I told her, ‘and I guess he’s on some hefty hamster pellets.’

  Nibbles, who my little brother was supposed to be spending the next morning with at a ‘Happy Hamster Holiday Party’, had just dodged a headbutt, and was now kneeling with one paw in the centre of Jayden-Lee’s back, pressing him face-first into the ground.

  From where we were, I could see that he’d rolled him right through one of Alfie’s vomit puddles. It was seeping into his perfect golden hair.

  ‘Looks like Nibbles is busy playing right now,’ I told Jude, lifting him away from the window before he got the idea that hamsters advocated violence. ‘You can make friends with him tomorrow.’

  Tomorrow. Fifty pre-schoolers, too much sugar, and a ridiculous orange hamster. There was no way I was getting involved in that train wreck. But things were looking up: once the boy from the Dramavan washed the sick out of his hair, I was going to have the fittest neighbour in the caravan park. I whispered the name Jayden-Lee Slater to myself, and wondered if it was really possible to fall in love at first fight.

  FOUR

  Fifty screaming four-year-olds, a mountain of cupcakes a Sherpa would think twice about trying to climb, and a massive hamster clapping along to the hokey-cokey. It was literally amazing what Mum could bribe me into when she tried.

  I was only getting through this nightmare scenario by picturing exactly which parentally unapproved video game I was going to buy with the proceeds. Probably something where I could imagine it was Nibbles I was repeatedly mowing down with my souped-up, stolen car. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t have a problem with hamsters in general. I just have a problem with ones that keep picking on me.

  ‘Now everybody Hamster Hug!’ yelled one of the ultra-perky party assistants, a blonde girl in a baseball cap, whose nametag said Stacie. She’d stopped the music to give the same order three times so far, and for the third time I’d turned around to escape only to run smack into a fluffy orange chokehold.

  Why did he always pick me? Three times. Even my grandma only demanded one hug per visit. Nibbles’ Hamster Hugs were so intense that I was going to be picking fur out of my teeth for the rest of the day.

  At least there was one silver lining to the dark cloud looming over the skyline of my life. Jude was currently doing the hokey-cokey with Jayden-Lee’s six-year-old brother, Troy.

  It looked like making your mates eat toilet freshener meant that they hung around with you less (or Alfie hadn’t stopped puking yet), because Troy had spent most of the party so far playing with Jude.

  Well, playing with his chair, anyway. I couldn’t really blame him: having your own set of wheels is pretty cool when you’re four, and Jude likes to show them off. Troy did get a bit stroppy when I stopped him trying to kick Jude out and use it for races, and then he nearly snapped the controller off while putting it in maximum gear, but he seemed all right, really.

  In fact, when I went over there, he turned around and gave me a Hamster Hug too. He’d been stuffing sweets into his face not long before, so it was a bit of a sticky event, but way better than death-by-Nibbles.

  ‘Thanks, Troy, I like you too . . . is that my gum?’

  The little monster had stolen a whole pack of Wild Cherry Chew-Chew out of my pocket, and was unwrapping it right in front of me. He shoved a square into his mouth, bit down, and answered, ‘Mrrph?’

  Mum always says kids Jude’s age shouldn’t have gum because it’s a choking hazard or something. And Dad says swallowing the stuff will make you blow bubbles out of your bum. But Troy was a couple of years older, and I didn’t want him telling his fit brother about the funsucker who gave him a health lecture in the middle of a party, so I let him have it. Just this once. What was the worst that could happen?

  Anyway, they were starting the dance up again, and Jude kept nearly running me over doing the ‘in-out, in-out’ bits, so I decided to get out of the circle before Nibbles got me to help him shake it all about.

  I found a safe haven in the corner of the room, where Kayla was already saving me a space. She’d picked out a cupcake that perfectly matched the sugary pink tips of her hair, and was trying to eat it without the frosting giving her a clown smile.

  ‘Hiding from another creature cuddle?’ she asked, failing at even trying to look sympathetic.

  ‘They’re horrific,’ I shuddered, glancing back to check I wasn’t being stalked by the pet shop’s finest. ‘Like getting mauled by a shagpile rug. He did smell nice though. I wonder if that was Jayden-Lee’s aftershave on his fur.’

  ‘Why – jealous it didn’t rub off on you?’

  Sometimes she just knew me too well. OK, so I did lie awake half the night thinking about the Dramavan’s hottest inhabitant. I’d even spent a while at the window this morning trying to see if I could spot him having breakfast.

  I just wanted to check that he’d made it out of the fight with only minor injuries and nothing serious like, say, a broken jaw. Which might put a major dampener on any kissing prospects for the week ahead.

  Not that my kissing prospects were ever more than zero. The problem came from never knowing whether the people I was interested in might be interested back. Which, I suppose, is an issue for everyone except psychics, but it’s definitely a thousand times worse when you’re gay.

  Because, how are you supposed to know who else is gay too?

  I guess a lot of people are like me and don’t really talk about it. In fact, only Kayla knows. Sometimes I think I should tell more people, but it’s hard. So it just follows me round, not totally secret but not not secret, either: the big gay elephant in the room.

  But if there’s loads of people keeping it hidden, like Superman covering up his skintight spandex with a suit, how am I ever supposed to know if Jayden-Lee might be one of them?

  Or, more importantly, what if he’s supposed to be my Lois Lane?

  ‘He was reaching extra-spicy levels of hot sauce, I have to admit,’ Kayla went on, sticking her tongue out to rob her cupcake of a bit of buttercream without putting her flawless lipstick at risk. ‘Although not so much with his hair full of vom.’

  ‘That wasn’t his fault! He could probably sue that hamster for assault.’

  Glaring across, I saw Nibbles was pretending to sit on the arm of Jude’s wheelchair, partnering up with him for the ‘arms-in’ part of the dance. Which was nice, I suppose. Maybe even mutant rodents had their moments.

  ‘Anyway, you’re not allowed to fancy him, you know that, right?’ I gave Kayla a look. A remember the friends’ code look. ‘I’ve bagsied him already.’

 
She gave me a look back. A there is no friends’ code and stop being a dipstick look. ‘You can’t bagsie a person: he’s a boy, not the top bunk of a bed. And don’t you think you should try talking to him before you get any “this boy belongs to” labels made up? He might be like spam.’

  ‘Like spam how?’

  Kayla smirked. ‘Nice shiny can, but a disgusting lump of gristle on the inside.’

  I shoved her arm, wrinkling my nose at the description. ‘He’s so not spam. And I’m going to talk to him. I just need a strategy . . . something that looks like coincidence, but—’

  ‘Isn’t that why you were chatting to his brother?’ Kayla pointed a painted fingernail in the direction of the dance floor. ‘Maybe he’s your in.’

  She was gesturing to where a boy with spiked blond hair and a football shirt that read TROY BOY 11 was whispering in Jude’s ear.

  ‘I don’t think Troy’s a good angle.’ I put my hand in my back pocket to check he hadn’t nicked my phone along with the gum.

  ‘Come on.’ Kayla tutted. ‘How hard can it be to bond with a six-year-old?’

  ‘Harder than you’d think.’ I shook my head. ‘Try it yourself. You’re around the same height; he’ll probably think you’re in his class.’

  ‘Low blow,’ Kayla said. And for once I didn’t point out that it would have to be, since any other kind would sweep right over her head. I didn’t say anything. Because all of a sudden I knew exactly what my Jayden-Lee strategy would be.

  Stealth.

  I had to observe him closely, while staying under the radar. Like a love ninja, I’d remain invisible until I had enough information to make my strike. He wouldn’t know I existed, wouldn’t even know my name until . . .

  ‘DYLAN KERSHAW – IS THERE A DYLAN KERSHAW IN THE ROOM?’ A voice boomed out from the loudspeakers, and I realized that everything else had gone deathly quiet.

  Stacie was in the middle of the dance floor calling my name through a microphone.

  And Troy was leaning over Jude, a giant handful of chewed-up gum pressed firmly into his hair.

  ‘AND JAYDEN-LEE SLATER. I NEED A JAYDEN-LEE SLATER OVER HERE TOO.’

  The doors to the outdoor patio slid open, and Jayden-Lee stalked in, ploughing a path through the crowd of children, who were gathering round as my little brother started to wail.

  FIVE

  Jude has this noise he makes when he’s really upset. It’s not a normal sort of cry; it’s more of a honk-wail, like a fire alarm being set off by a really stressed-out goose. He was having a full-on sob by the time me and Kayla reached him.

  Stacie stood behind him with her microphone, looking like she’d just figured out that doing kids parties wasn’t the easy shift. Beside her was Nibbles, about as useful as you’d expect a hamster to be in a crisis, with two identical little girls hanging on to his paws. From the matching pink outfits I guessed they’d have cringey rhyming names, like Florrie and Dorrie, or Jenny and Penny.

  Then there was Troy, his one front tooth bared in a creepy troll grin.

  His left hand was smushed tightly into Jude’s hair, splatting a golf ball-sized wodge of reddish gum into his black curls, like a primary-coloured bird splat.

  I should have grabbed him straight away, but I couldn’t, because right in front of me stood the world’s most breathtaking older brother.

  I froze, caught like a startled rabbit in the headlights of Jayden-Lee’s hotness. It was even worse close up. His green eyes were dotted with flecks of brown, and there was a faint white mark from an old scar at the corner of his lip, making him look a little bit dangerous and not any less kissable.

  He was also looking as if the whole drama was nothing to do with him.

  ‘Either you get your hand out of his hair, or I take it off at the wrist.’ Kayla’s voice cut into my love-paralysis. She was doing what I should have – squishing her own fingers into the gum to hold it to Jude’s head while she peeled Troy’s fingers away. I flashed her a grateful smile, even if threatening a child with dismemberment might have been a bit extreme.

  ‘What happened?’ I crouched down next to Jude’s chair and took his hand between both of mine. His sobs were turning to sniffles.

  ‘He asked if I wanted some gum!’ he exclaimed, voice pitched only slightly lower than that tone only dogs can hear.

  ‘Yeah, and he said yes!’ Troy countered. ‘So it’s his fault.’

  Jude gasped at this suggestion. ‘Is not! It is not. I didn’t want it on my head!’

  ‘Should’ve said.’ Troy folded his arms and hunkered down solidly, looking like one of his mum’s garden gnomes.

  I looked up at Nibbles, the apparent authority figure in the room, but it wasn’t like he could give any answers from behind two foam buck teeth. One of the twins tugged on his left paw.

  ‘We sawed what happened!’

  The other tugged on his right.

  ‘We sawed it!’

  ‘Jude said Troy was not allowed to sit on him for a ride.’

  ‘And that’s why Troy did squish his hand on Jude’s hair – squelch!’

  ‘Squelch.’

  ‘Squeeeeelch!’

  ‘Thank you Minnie, Winnie,’ Stacie said. ‘I think we’ve got it from there.’

  Nibbles gently shooed the twins back towards the party as Stacie tried to look stern. Which is hard when you’re wearing an orange baseball cap and have your face painted like a frog.

  ‘I’m really sorry we didn’t catch this in time to stop it, but I think both boys need to take a time out for today.’

  I could sense Jude working up the energy to honk again, so I stepped in fast. ‘Yeah, OK. We can just—’

  ‘You can’t ask us to go when Jude was clearly the injured party,’ Kayla interjected, rubbing her hands together to clear the lingering strands of gum from between her fingers.

  I knew where this was going. Kayla plans to be a high-powered lawyer when she leaves school (though she’s got a fall-back option of becoming a backing singer for her favourite band, the Deathsplash Nightmares, if it doesn’t work out), and she takes any chance to practise. I stared her down, willing her to shut up before she destroyed my chances of Jayden-Lee thinking I was a normal human being with normal mates, let alone a potential love match. It didn’t work.

  ‘Really, Troy’s family should reimburse the Kershaws for the price of a decent haircut, plus damages for any emotional trauma caused. However, in this instance we will accept a swift apology.’

  Troy stared up at her, blinking slowly.

  Jayden-Lee stared at her. Nibbles patted Jude on the back as he hiccupped on another sob, and then they both stared at her too.

  I stared at the floor and wondered if they ever had earthquakes in Cornwall, and whether a well-timed one might open the ground under my feet right about now.

  After a moment’s silence, Troy yelled, ‘YOU CAN’T MAKE ME GO WITHOUT CAKE!’ and ran towards the buffet.

  Jayden-Lee shrugged his shoulders. I couldn’t help noticing the way all of the muscles down his arms shrugged with them.

  ‘He doesn’t do apologies. Sign of weakness.’ He kicked a foot lightly against one of Jude’s wheels. ‘And cheer up, yeah? Crying’s for girls.’

  I cut in when I heard Kayla’s sharp intake of breath.

  ‘Maybe we should go. Everyone’s upset, and sticky, and it might just be for the best.’ I squeezed my brother’s hands in mine. ‘What do you think, Jude?’

  ‘My hair’s gone solid!’ Jude declared, and broke into wails again.

  ‘I can’t take him across the park like this,’ I mouthed to Kayla. This was supposed to be his holiday treat.

  Kayla pursed her lips a moment, and then reached into her bag for her make-up case. ‘I’ve got it covered. Give me five minutes and I’ll sort him out.’

  She put a hand on the back of Jude’s chair, but Nibbles held up a paw to stop her. Then he ducked down to give Jude one of his Hamster Hugs. It didn’t look nearly as smothering as the ones I’d suff
ered, but when he stepped back my brother was smiling like the sun coming out from the clouds.

  Maybe the mutant mascot was good for something.

  Jude went off with Kayla, and Troy stomped back over, a cupcake in each hand and the chocolatey remains of another one smeared across his face.

  ‘I didn’t do nothing. He was going to run me over; I was self-defending myself.’

  Even Nibbles looked doubtful about that, and he had a foam face.

  Jayden-Lee nodded, though, and said, ‘See?’

  I didn’t really believe that Jude could have suddenly developed the wheelchair equivalent of road rage, hyped up on frosting and an overdose of the hokey-cokey, but I found myself nodding and making a strangled noise that sounded a bit like yeah.

  Crisis over, I was uncomfortably aware of how close I was to Jayden-Lee, and I don’t know what the problem is exactly, but when I’m near someone I like it’s hard to talk properly. My tongue gets all thick in my mouth. It’s like I’m allergic to sexy.

  Still, at least now we could forget all this and I could go back to working out how a love ninja operates once his cover’s been blown.

  Except, the hamster was still waving his paws about, like he was directing traffic.

  Directing us.

  He pointed to Jayden-Lee, and then to me.

  ‘HAMSTER HUG,’ yelled Troy and Stacie.

  ‘HAMSTER HUG,’ yelled half the pint-sized partygoers, who’d been watching all this like it was a soap opera Christmas Special.

  Jayden-Lee frowned. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘It’s a . . . thing.’ I swallowed hard against the panic trying to close down my throat. ‘When they stop the music, you’re supposed to . . .’

  I awkwardly mimed a hug.

  I hugged myself. I hugged myself. I must have looked like the kind of person who’d sit on one arm to numb it before holding his own hand, just to see what it felt like to have a friend.